When you’ve been in a relationship for a good chuck of time, people always ask “Are you engaged yet?”
Once you become engaged, the question changes. “When is the wedding?”
After the honeymoon is over, the questions changes again. “When are you having kids?”
My husband and I have been married for three years now and we are constantly asked about kids. Every time, we’ve got our “excuses” ready to go. “Once we get a house, once we are in steady careers, once the husband passes the CPA exams, let’s get a dog first”, etc. The “excuses” seemed to be working. Until recently, when we got called out. A friend mentioned that we’ve nearly achieved all of our “excuses” so what was stopping us. We were blown away. We’ve hardly thought about kids. Were we even ready? After some discussion, you may never fully be ready but why not try?
This all happened a while ago. Over some amount of time, we started getting discouraged about the number of negative tests we were getting. Then last July, something changed. We got the positive test we’ve been hoping for. When we found out, I was about six weeks along. Things seemed to be progressing right along, until they weren’t. A couple of days before my first appointment, I noticed some bleeding. Call my doctor and he took me in. After being poked (I seriously hate needles and blood) the test results came back. I can still remember everything about that call. The baby was gone. I suffered a miscarriage.
To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I was beyond devastated. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to believe it. Whenever I saw a baby, I started bawling. All I wanted to do was crawl in my bed away from the world. When we got the call, I was coaching at an out-of-town soccer tournament. I think that was my saving grace. If it wasn’t for that tournament, I might have suffered way more depression. After a few weeks, I started feeling better with everything. I was on my way back to my normal. I was finally able to accept everything. Then my world changed again in December.
In December, we found out we were pregnant again. After everything we went though, it was hard to believe. We were still a little on the cautious side with this one. Three days later, I noticed that I was bleeding again. Off to the doctors we went. My hopes were dashed before we even got there. The doctor told me that I suffered another miscarriage. Having already gone through one, I knew how my body would feel physically but emotionally, this hurt. I felt like I fail at my womanly duty. I couldn’t look my husband in the eye for a few days. I stayed out of work for a couple of days. I hardly talked to anyone. I was a mess. Finally, after a good friend got through to me, I started becoming my normal again.
Do I still think about the babies? Every day. Do I still blame myself? Yes. Do I wish I could change back time? More than anything. Has this changed our relationship? Absolutely but for the better.
I believe that the timing wasn’t right at all and one day we will be blessed with our own children.
Maybe One Day.